Dave + Soy Sauce = One Hilarious Evening!

Attention, World!!! Let it be publically declared that tonight, the 6th day of October, during the 2009th year of our Lord, Dave Getz successfully pulled the best practical joke in history! Now, for those of you who know me, you know that I'm not huge into practical jokes because they:

1. usually don't go the way you want them to, and
2. when all is said and done, the people involved usually hate each other.*

However, tonight, I successfully planned and carried out a practical joke that went exactly how I wanted it to, and nobody will have hard feelings because the "receiver" of this practical joke was none other than yours truly. I know what you're all thinking: "You pulled a practical joke on yourself!?" Let me explain.

At dinner tonight, I was sitting at the long Cross Country table (so called because cross country runners normally sit at it) in Saga with all the freshman (so called because it is their first year at Illinois Wesleyan). The entree being served that night was Sweet and Sour Pork, which is quiet delicious. Several of the freshman had even gone as far as to bring soy sauce bottles back to the table with them to spicen up their meals. After we had all eaten (ate? et? octupii?), we were conversing at the table. Nonchalantly, I began to play with the two soy sauce bottles that were sitting in front of me. That was when it hit me.

"Ah ha**!" I yelled. "I've got an idea!" Like sheep following their foolish leader of a cliff, the freshman sitting around me leaned in closer while I emptied by brainchild in verbal form.

"Let's empty one of these soy sauce bottles and fill it with Dr. Pepper. Then we'll challenge someone to a drinking contest, only we'll be sure to drink the one with soda in it."

Showing the courageous determination that only college freshman are capable of, my good friend Ethan (so called because that is his name) put my plan into action. Since one of the bottles was fuller than the other, he emptied the sauce from the one into the other until the latter bottle was nearly full. As there was still some soy sauce in the first bottle, my other good friend Taylor went and got a 3rd bottle of soy sauce so that we could completely empty the "trick" bottle. After all this was complete, Ethan took the empty bottle, rinsed it out with water and filled it with Dr. Pepper. It looked exactly like soy sauce! I was ecstatic....but how was I going to pull it off?

For those of you that know me, you will recall rather quickly that I am a terrible liar. I can never keep a straight face, and since "honesty is the best policy" was a catch-phrase in the Getz household, I didn't get much practice as a child. The original plan was for Ethan to challenge Sam to a drink-off, but fate had different plans.

The rest of the cross country team soon became intrigued in our conduct and questioned our intentions. Thankfully, they caught on to us after we had successfully made the switcheroo. My improv skills took over, and before anyone could stop me, I snatched the "fake" soy bottle in my hand and began my act.

"We're going to drink soy-sauce," I boldly exclaimed.

"Gross! You got to be kidding!" came the chorus of replies.

"You think we're kidding?" I questioned, beginning to increase the drama. "Who will give me a dollar for each second I drink this?" The only reply was facial gestures of confusion, amusement, and horror. I decided to go a different route. I turned to our team captain, Wally.

"Okay, then. How about this. However long I drink, you have to do the same." Wally seemed intrigued, but still skeptical. I don't think he thought I would do it. Finally, I turned to Sam.

"Sam, what will you give me if I drink this whole bottle?" When Sam replied that I would receive a whole box of Juicy Fruit and Milk Duds, I promptly exclaimed "Watch this!" popped off the cap, and began to chug!

I closed my eyes and began to feign facial disgust as I poured the liquid into my mouth. Soy sauce bottles have that weird cap on them, so I really had to suck hard to get any to come out at all. All around me, I could hear people rising to their feet. Shouts of excitement and gasps of awe began to resound around saga. Continuing my act, I buckled my knees and leaned against the table for support. "What have you gotten yourself into, Dave?" was all that I could think. I was about halfway done when I pulled the bottle out, gave a dramatic sigh, paused for a second to let the reality sink in, and then threw my head back to chug the rest. The whole process took at least a minute, and when I finished it, I raised the bottle in triumph, and then collapsed in my chair and pretended like I was about to die. Several of my teammates quickly ran and got me water. I was informed that I had "drinken" (drunk? drinked? drinkii?) about 4 day's worth of sodium. Eventually, the ovation died down, and everything returned to normal. It was about 7:00, so thankfully Saga wasn't that full.

I didn't tell my teammates right then what had really happened. All the freshman around me encouraged me to drag it out as long as possible, so I will.....until somebody from IWU reads this post and the story gets around. And when they do, Sam, you can have your Juicy Fruit and Milk Duds back:)

*- at least, all the ones that I've been in

**- French for "I've got an idea"